Music as an Attachment Figure
๐ต The Healing Power of Music: When a Song Becomes a Secure Base
“In the absence of a secure attachment figure, music can act as an emotional surrogate, facilitating affect regulation and providing a sense of presence and containment.”
— MacDonald, Hargreaves & Miell, 2012, p.87
I don’t know about you, but I’ve often found myself transported by a song to a memory, a mood, or sometimes a place inside me I didn’t even know needed a visit. A single chord can unlock tears I’ve been holding in for weeks. A lyric can feel like it was written just for me, in a secret language only my nervous system fully understands. Sometimes, it’s not even about the words — it’s the feeling of being accompanied of not being alone.
When I lost my Dad, music took on a whole new level of meaning. The songs chosen for his funeral were carefully selected. I wanted them to tell his story. Each song held a thread of him — the man he was, the humour he carried, the values he lived by. There was something deeply comforting about using music to honour his life. It felt like a language we had shared, silently, over the years. As the notes filled the space, it was as if they created a bridge between us, between memory and presence, between grief and celebration. In fact, Elvis Presley’s Bridge over Troubled Waters was one of the songs.
And long after the service, those songs became emotional anchors for me. They still do. I only have to hear the opening bars and I’m right there again — not just at the funeral, but with him. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile. But always, there’s that strange, sacred ache of being connected to someone who’s gone, through something that lives on.
Music gave me a way to keep a thread of attachment alive — not in a stuck way, but in a very human, very healing way. It helped me feel him, contain the grief, and stay present with all the feelings that came.
As an attachment-based therapist, I’ve spent years discussing with clients the vital importance of safe, attuned, and consistent relationships. We talk about secure bases, affect regulation, containment, rupture and repair. We talk about people as the medium of healing. And yet, often, what brings a client to tears in the room isn’t a relational memory involving a person. It’s a song.
“Music was my parent,” someone poignantly reflected. “It raised me when no one else did.”
It made me think of the above quote, nestled quietly in an academic paper, but shouting out a truth many of us have known intuitively for a long time. Music — in the absence of secure human attachment — becomes something of a stand-in. Not a poor substitute, but a true emotional surrogate. A way of being held.
Music as an Attachment Figure
When we think about attachment figures, we typically consider people — a parent, caregiver, partner, or therapist. Someone who “gets us,” who responds to our emotional cues, who shows up over time. Someone who soothes, who helps us learn how to make sense of our internal world.
But if you didn’t grow up with someone who could offer that? Or if your attachment figure was inconsistent, frightening, absent, or emotionally unavailable, your developing self will still seek out something to help you regulate. Human beings are wonderfully creative in that way.
And music? Oh, music steps in. It doesn’t judge. It doesn’t tell you you’re too much. It doesn’t get overwhelmed by your sadness or your anger or your longing. It’s there, day or night, whenever you need it. And crucially — it’s predictable.
When a child lacks predictability and attunement in their human relationships, their nervous system is constantly on high alert. Hypervigilance and internalised shame often replace comfort. But music offers a pattern. Rhythm. A melody that knows where it’s going. An emotional journey that is held safely, not abandoned halfway through.
It’s not hard to see how this becomes a kind of attachment experience. Music, in these moments, becomes a presence. A soothing, shaping, and containing other.
Affect Regulation Through Sound
MacDonald, Hargreaves, and Miell (2012) make a vital point: music helps us regulate. And in attachment terms, this is big news. Affect regulation is not just about calming down. It’s about knowing what we feel, tolerating it, and knowing it won’t destroy us (or anyone else). For many of us, we learnt how to regulate with someone — a co-regulating adult who helped us learn that emotions are manageable and meaningful.
But if that didn’t happen?
You may find a teenager alone in their room, blaring out The Smiths or Nirvana — not just because they like it, but because it’s doing something. It’s holding their anger. It’s resonating with their ache. It’s giving voice to something that, in the outside world, feels unspeakable.
Or the child who insists on listening to the same lullaby every night, long past what’s considered “age-appropriate.” Because that song is what keeps them from falling apart in the dark.
Or the adult, decades later, who hears a certain piece of music and feels like they’ve come home, not to a place, but to a version of themselves they forgot existed.
Music doesn’t fix the wound. But it holds it.
And in doing so, it offers a kind of regulation many of us didn’t even know we were missing.
A Personal Reflection (and a Little Carole King)
I can’t write this blog without a bit of personal honesty. There have been moments in my life when music has reached me in a way that words from others simply couldn’t. When everything felt too much — not dramatically, just that quiet overwhelm — a song has sometimes landed right in the middle of it all and brought me back to myself.
I remember one day in particular, sat in the car feeling frayed at the edges, and a Carole King song came on. “You’ve got a friend”. That line just caught me. It felt like someone had reached through the fog and simply been there. No need to explain myself, no need to make sense — just met with gentleness. And isn’t that what so many of us are craving, deep down? To be met like that. To feel that, even when things are messy, someone (or something) is holding a bit of space for us.
The Neuroscience of Musical Holding
Neuroscience has a lot to say about why music works like this. Our brains love patterns. Rhythm and repetition are deeply regulating to the nervous system. Think of the way we rock babies, or how a lullaby soothes — it’s all about predictable, rhythmic, sensory input.
Music activates the limbic system, where emotion lives, and connects it with the prefrontal cortex, where we make meaning. When we listen to music that mirrors our inner state, we feel validated. When the music then shifts, moves, uplifts — it can take us with it. It’s emotional co-regulation, but with a speaker instead of a person.
There’s something profound in that.
The Songs That Saved Us
So many clients I’ve worked with have shared “the song” that got them through. It’s rarely just a catchy tune. It’s usually deeply symbolic. Often, they don’t even know why it mattered — they just know it did.
One woman spoke of a lullaby her mother used to hum before everything fell apart. She hadn’t heard it in years, but when she did, she broke down. Not because it reminded her of her mother as she was, but because it reminded her of what could have been.
Another client shared how punk music helped him express a rage he’d never been allowed to show. It wasn’t about rebellion — it was about recognition.
In these moments, music functions not just as a backdrop, but as a witness. A container. A holding environment.
Using Music in Therapy (With a Light Touch)
As therapists, I think we can sometimes underplay the role of music in our clients’ emotional ecosystems. We ask about childhood, relationships, trauma, inner child work — but how often do we ask, “What songs are meaningful for you?”
I sometimes invite clients to bring in a piece of music that resonates with them, especially if they struggle to put their thoughts into words. It opens a door. It gives shape to the unspeakable. And for many, it’s safer than direct confrontation with the past.
However, we must tread carefully. Music can also be triggering — it can access painful memories, states of overwhelm, or dissociation. As ever, it’s about pacing and attunement. But used gently, music can become part of the therapeutic relationship — a shared space of connection and reflection.
Music as a Bridge
Music is a bridge between parts of ourselves, between past and present, between pain and meaning. It can help us integrate experiences we never thought we could face. It can provide a rhythm where once there was only chaos. And for those who grew up without a secure attachment figure, it can offer a sense of being with — of presence, of being held.
So, the next time you find yourself moved to tears by a song or humming something from years ago without quite knowing why, pause. That might be your nervous system recognising something. That might be your younger self saying, “Ah… there it is. I remember. I’m not alone.”
References:
MacDonald, R., Hargreaves, D. J., & Miell, D. (2012). Musical identities. Oxford University Press.






